Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
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My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
boat question
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.