I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
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[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise