I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
You Might Also Like
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.