boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
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I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
do what now??
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.