Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
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I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
yeah no that’s fair
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
jesus christ confetti not now
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.