Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
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well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Labreador
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?