#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
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A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.