My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
You Might Also Like
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”