I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
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Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Ion see the issue
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.