i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
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I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Tuesday
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*