jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
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{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that