“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
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I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS