My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
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“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Saturday
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.