I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
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I gave up going to work for lent.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.