OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
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What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
I’m a self-made hundredaire
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I have a new favorite meme page
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”