Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
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11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
marvel comics have peaked
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.