I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
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-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”