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My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
bury ourselves
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Passwords are more important than ever.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.