Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
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pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Best seat on the street 😍
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.