[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
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When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself