Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
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*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Perfect.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.