The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
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After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?