Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
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This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Lmao
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Damn he played himself
Fights fire with marshmallows
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment