Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
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If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Beards are a privilege, not a right
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”