I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
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Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
stop
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them