*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
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walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.