I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
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How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Happy Thanksgiving
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.