People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
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We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.