Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
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I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Always a metermaid never a meter
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Love this one 😂🧟
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Best spot.. 😅
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people