her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
You Might Also Like
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”