9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
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Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
so, is there a mister shapen head
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.