I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
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When you have to marry your mother-in-law
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Me trying to walk in a dream
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Squirrels before girls.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”