When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
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ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.