Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
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New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”