I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
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Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
any last words?
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.