The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
You Might Also Like
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
not to brag, but mine was free
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
the rocks need my help
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.