I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
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I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
🤣
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”