Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
You Might Also Like
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable