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Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
When someone says you are so lazy
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.