New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
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Somebody call the cops.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”