Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
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Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.