[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
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Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
dictator is short for richard potato
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still