“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
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Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
getting corrected
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”