I can’t be the only one 😂
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*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
happy valentine’s day to me
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
I am, perchance
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.