Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
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ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.