Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
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I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
6: are snakes just neck?
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage