I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
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I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter