[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
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genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest