I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
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If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.