The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
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[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.